To Every Girl Who Has Ever Lost Herself To A Narcissistic Man

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Have you ever entered a relationship convinced that the script of you guys meeting each other was written in heaven? Have you ever so deeply loved a person that you were confident that you would never love anyone that way – ever again? Well that was precisely what happened to me.

But as you can tell from the topic, it wasn’t meant to be, and my romantic dreams were dashed for good. By the time I had left the relationship, I was nothing like my former self. The world was all grey and shadows. Love and happiness were no longer what I believed in; it was just like those fairy tales that my parents would tell me when I was a kid.

I was awash with sadness loneliness and depression. I would find it hard to stay in charge and control of my life. Of course, I spent many weeks with terrible thoughts and wet pillows.

The grief and pain took so long to heal that at one point I began to believe that I would never be able to pick up the broken pieces of my heart. Not to mention never being emotionally strong enough to love again. To me, love was as distant from my thoughts as the stars from the earth.

But of course, from my introduction, you can tell that it wasn’t all doom and gloom at the beginning. I was such a happy girl who loved to live life. I was the smiling type who always saw the positive in all the negative problems I had, and for the things that were going well for me, I was always grateful. 

But all that came to a screeching halt, when I met this narcissist. I went from seeing the world as bright bold and colorful to seeing gray and sadness everywhere. My relaxed and balanced emotional self-became a wreck of anxiety and depression. Before I would always go to bed, hoping to wake up later in the morning with joy, but that wasn’t the case anymore. I would go to bed tired and sad, and then dread the thought of a new day. I became a mere shadow of myself.

At first, I was ashamed that I let myself be used and abused by him. I would spend long nights and many weeks beating myself for being such a fool. It was one thing to know that he was a narcissist and there was no changing him but it was another thing to know that and still let myself be tortured by his emotionally draining antics. It gave me sleepless nights for weeks. I knew better but I refused to do better, and that regret kept stinging me, and its poison helped keep me intoxicated with self-doubt, low self-esteem, and negativity.

I trusted him

As naive as I was back then, I trusted him without a shadow of doubt, he was into me just as I was into him. Sometimes I even felt that he was even bigger and believe you me that I saw all the social signs you could ask of to show someone was trustworthy. He was smooth with his tricks. But then tricks are tricks, and no matter how good they are, they don’t last. So I would completely trust him on delivering on his promise, but that never happened. He would instead break my heart again and again. 

He made me feel safe.

At first, I was shocked at his level of commitment to the relationship, he would always be there for me in the times of need, and he would even go the extra mile to make sure that I was okay. At that point in time, I felt like he was my Superman. With him, I felt completely safe and then it progressed from me being safe and complaisant to relying on him. But I didn’t know I was walking into a trap. This was what he wanted all this while. He wanted me to trust him enough to let my guard down. Then he went into attack mode. With all my defenses down, he could and would attack me knowing that I was defenseless and vulnerable at this point.

I loved him.

Yes, I wholeheartedly loved him and I paid the price for that. I had ignored one of the very few red flags that showed up as we dated. At some point, I had found out that before I met him, he left a lot of broken relationships in his wake. Instead, I loved him with every fiber of my being. But it was to be a mistake with my choice of emotional, physical, psychological, and financial investment. He was a man who didn’t know what love was. But I stuck by him hoping that he could be changed. In fact, he convinced me to believe that he did want to change, but with him, it was all smokes and mirrors. I finally had to learn the hard way; narcissists can’t be taught how to love. It isn’t a part of his nature and thus will never understand what it means to be in love with someone.

I gave all that was in me to someone who would never understand nor appreciate what it means to do that. He was just going to gobble it and ungratefully ask for more. 

He made me a prisoner of my love.

I got stuck in my complete obsession to love him. I was a day dreamer, and I believed in love. I had always had a positive outlook towards humanity, and I was also a believer in having a soulmate. When I met him, I taught that I had my other half, my soulmate. So when all these issues began to pop up in my relationship, I stuck with him. Thinking that all would be fine and that I just needed to try harder. But after frantic denials, I had to accept the fact that I had made a bad decision. He wasn’t a friend and him being a soulmate was a ridiculous stretch.

He was such a negative person too. He would know me enough to trigger my buttons and then taunt me concerning my insecurities. He would make fun of me and yet scold me for being way too sensitive. Day by day his sly but acidic criticism would wear on my self-esteem until I hardly saw any value in myself. He was good at emphasizing on my weaknesses and brushed aside my strengths. Yet I would go crawling back to him, in my naive mind, I believed that I was fighting for the right cause and that at the end I would be rewarded for my struggle with a solid relationship – poor me! I just hadn’t realized it yet, but I had become a narcissist’s fool. 

I lost myself to a narcissistic person…

With time I became a mere shadow of my former self. A strong, happy and confident girl slowly faded into a weak, depressed and anxiety-ridden girl. All I saw around me was negativity. I soon began to believe all that he said and insinuated. I started to believe that I was worthless and I wasn’t deserving of love and affection. Every time I let him have his way, he would say one thing and then do another. He would always make sure that everything about the relationship was all about him and that I didn’t matter. I let him manipulate and deceive me into doing things that I wouldn’t have done if I were in my right mind. But I did them, and that was sad.

But I found myself again. 

I went through the worst of circumstances for someone who didn’t even love me back. I did all the growing up I need to do to make the relationship work – remember that I loved this person, but all the changes and improvements were one-sided and yet he jeered me for not being good enough for him. I had given everything of me and more. It is an understatement to say that the relationship was bad. I would love to say that nothing good came out of that relationship but I wouldn’t be justice to the truth of the matter. Nothing happens without you learning something new from it. You could glean wisdom from the worst of circumstances that come your way. And if you choose to find in that wisdom of life lesson, you move on from that crisis a stronger, wiser and better human being.

It doesn’t mean that I immediately came out of it great. Yes, I went through long depressing moments and for a very long time I felt like I was a wreck. But because I never gave up on finding my former self, he didn’t continue to torment me psychologically. I vehemently refused to stay a wreck because that also meant that he had won at the end, that he would forever control me and whatever fate I had laying in front of me. 

So I fought to keep my tattered being together as the winds of life blew strongly all around me. Second after second and minute after minute, I worked on taking one step at a time. I was determined that I would make it out of the rubble that was once my life and personality before the storm. Stone by stone I began to rebuild my life. I would build back my self-confidence and become a far better person than I was before I was in this relationship.

He had hurt me so much that I had decided that I was done. I couldn’t take it anymore. He had to leave my life for good.

So too the way he treated me, I started believing that I wasn’t deserving of true love. But with time and a conscious consistent effort to become better I realized that I was force feed a terrible lie. He was the one that wasn’t deserving of all the love I showered in him. It was as if I would putting all of my treasured emotions into an abyss. 

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27 Comments

  1. Tessie Duplantis on

    I was sitting here feeling sorry for myself, then grabbed my phone, starting reading your story.. I live with a good guy, well has a job, house, car, etc… we’ve been together for 16 yrs, an I believed him to be the most wonderful thing in the world. Smart, good looking, was always shy, an I was always the confident, positive one. I’ve lost myself, all he does I’ve noticed after all these years is correct me when he believes that I’ve done or said something wrong. I’m unemployed right now, my car is broken, I’ve always had a job, everyone loved me. Now, I have no job, no friends, an it’s like being alone with him right next to me. Fear has me to the point that I don’t even want to try to get a job, I’m so insecure, think I’m not good enough, what if no one likes me, etc. I graduated, but he had gone to college so I though every word that came out of his mouth, was like the gospel.. now, after a year an a half being unemployed, I catch some of the dumb, stupid things that he says; an it’s not right. And if you try an correct him, OMG, he starts defending himself till no end, never apologizes for anything, everything is my fault. As the years have gone by, I realized, I’m a lot smarter than he gives me credit for.. I’m in that anxiety, depression, boat thinking that I’m not good for anything, I want the fairy tale my mom an dad talked about to, an though I had found it, but it’s got me questioning my decision. I keep telling myself I’m to old to move on, no one will want me.. THE WHOLE NINE YARDS, Don’t know where to begin, in such a messed up world! 😔 Your story gave me Hope, an I will start working on it, you can believe that. The worry, fear, an stress or drowning me

    • Keep your head up. You are not alone. You are not a fool either. Just a good person that has been taken advantage of.

    • Tessie Duplantis- if after 25 years I can start over realizing I was with someone similar to your situation, I’m pretty sure you can as well. Go find yourself and realize this fool you’re with doesn’t deserve your consideration and love anymore. He probably never actually did.

      • How do you tell that other person you’re done! I’m in the same boat, married 29 years and I just can’t anymore, but fear of the confrontation paralyzes me. In my situation , I work and he stays home because he’s “disabled” after two serious back operations, yet he can putter in the garage and such for hours on end. He is totally dependent on me..I feel like his sugar mama and I me done. No love left for the name, but I do still care about his well being…oh what a mess!

    • I got out! After 3.5 years of his emotional and psychological abuse, I got out. It wasn’t easy. It wasn’t fun. It was painful. With a lot of anger and tears. Being unsure of myself and my future. But my children and my friends accepted me back. All of them with open arms & words of encouragement. My rocks through all of this mess we’re my daughter & one of my most trusted friends, who I’m now proud to call my boyfriend. I’ve been so blessed with both of them. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, M & M. I’m better now than I ever was!

    • Oh My goodness this story was written about me the mirror image!! But in the end after 20 years he left me for another women 21 years younger than him. He is 55 and she is 34!!! I was the same positive Happy, tons of friends the life of the party!! When he was done with me I was Depressed, filled with anger, anxiety, hated myself I was in a very dark lonely place….I never thought that i would be happy again, I believed he was my life!! He saved me!!! His word was like Gods word….I got lost in his love, I had never been loved like that but I had never felt so alone either as the years went on, i never felt connected with him as the years went on….I couldnt pin point it, but i was a mess we had decided to give up my career so i could stay home with the children and in hindsight that was the worst thing I could of done, as now his career is soaring and mine is done. I want to say to the girl above me that life will get better, I was you….but as time goes on and you leave or he leaves, it will get better!!1 YOu will find yourself again…I did!!! I am not with anyone but its only been a few months shy of 2 years…. I am going through Divorce but I will survive and so will you. I do not no my future but I do no this I will be okay….I have my Health and myboys one is an adult and the other is a child and I am blessed in so many ways….

    • Boy this hit home….my spouse had me sooo low that I didn’t even flinch when he told our marriage counselor he’d never loved me, he just didn’t want to lose the father/son relationship he’d come to enjoy with my Dad….what better way to guarantee a continued relationship then to marry me?! Once Dad passed he no longer had use for me but knew I’d never divorce him unless he either abused me (but he’d been brought up never to hit a woman!) or had an affair…so he opted with the 2nd and to add insult to injury he had “swept my BFF off her feet”….a friend up until the affair he made no secret that he deplored her!! Needless to say the marriage ended, he quit going to see our therapist, but I continued and eight years later I am stronger and better for leaving, as hard as it was…and even though we have kids/grandkids that bring us together he no longer has that affect over me. He is a sad, angry little man who’s sons have little respect for him (one calls him his sperm donor, one talks very little to him, and the other considers him his atm and feels sorry for him)!

      If one of you ladies feels your to vested, or thinks he’ll never change….32 years of marriage later….it’s NEVER too late to leave and NO he will not/cannot change!!

    • Oh wow. I feel like I’m in your life, except mine’s been going 23yrs. I’m completely lost, my health is deteriorating, I’ve lost all of my friends pretty much. Here’s to us learning to love ourselves enough to figure out how to be better stronger versions of ourselves.

    • Hey Girl. You are too smart to let this guy win. Period. One step at a time will get you out the front door. You got this, believe it. 🙂

    • Great story!!!Taught me a much needed lesson of pain and loss. Never lose sight of the fact, that no matter what, you’ll be ok.

  2. I too was in a similar situation. I won’t go into details. I will tell you what has worked for me so far. I do have an awesome counselor that keeps reiterating that it is NOT ME with the problem. Start there AND BELIEVE IT!! Secondly, there is a book to read, The Disease to Please. Read it and learn from it you can live the life YOU want, but it’s up to you to make the choice to do that and I suggest you make that choice NOW. Get up, clean yourself up, make yourself feel better and go after a job. Anything to get you out around real people and to start a money flow so you can fix your car and make choices for YOU and only you. If you aren’t going to do it for yourself than why would anyone else. YOU ARE WORTH IT, BELIEVE IT AND ACT THAT WAY! GO GET WHAT YOU WANT FOR YOUR LIFE.

  3. Thankyou, just thanks. I was in the exact same situation and I didn’t know it. This really helps me getting over him and know I know it’s not my fault.
    Thank you so much for this perfect article. !

  4. Everything in this testament IS ME TO A TEE!!!! While some are waking up to being thankful and blessed for another day of life, I’m waking up asking why God let me wake up yet again!!!!!!! Someone I know or don’t know dies again I ask God why them and not me?!?!?!?!?! Maybe now I can find me after reading this?!?!?!

  5. I was with a guy like this . Narcissistic he walked out on me two months ago , I lost my dad last year and I feel incredibly lonely now because Of the bond we had . I feel guilty like it was my fault even today because he made me feel like it was my fault he lost his temper. I really wanted him to change. I asked him to go to anger management he said I was the problem . Breaks my heart really . I always believed he would change I don’t think it’s possible. I helped him get a good job , gave him a reference and yet now he’s gone back to working behind bar . I tried to talk to him he doesn’t answer . I feel terrible

  6. I’ve been with the love of my life for 25 years, he has physically and mentally abused from the beginning, well the first few months was great. In 2011 I came across the word narcissist and began reading, researching and educating myself. I didn’t quite believe it and neither did anyone else I became the crazy one, this was an American diagnosis, so I’ve carried on until now. In 2011 I told him what I thought he was, he laughed at me but so did everyone else. I’m now at the point of wanting no needing to get out as I reckon I have about 2% left of my true self. I still love him dearly and deep down still want to fix him. I carry this burden of if I leave I will be doing what everyone else has done to him throughout his life. I feel like I can’t carry on the hurt is so bad I want to just curl up into a ball and never get up. I’m still in denial that he does not and has never loved me and his only ambition in life is love himself

  7. Cassandra Orcutt on

    Omg….it was like seeingmy life in black and white, words on a page. I couldn’t believe this was someone else who had lived thus because it was MY life in every detail when I was married. Married to an awful NARCISSIST. He too, broke my will. I totally lost me….but finally when realization set in that he didn’t love me, never loved me, I fought my way out of hell and began to heal. My family told me later that they thought the only way I would ever leave was in a body bag. .THATS JUST SO SAD. ,but I believe it would have been true. So grateful for sharing your story.

  8. It seems to me someone else has else has been living my life too. But, I woke up to his monstrous hands harming, insulting me and nothing is ever his fault or his responsibility I am free! He is on probation and his attorney is turning into a result of foolish stupidity. My advise is get out and never look back,

  9. This was so me five years ago he after a woman came knocking on my door with a newborn baby stating that my so called husband was the father and proper test were performed to prove he was the father, oneday he said to me that I deserved better and that he was leaving. I looked at him and said take what ever you want and don’t let the door hit you on the way out. It was the hardest thing. A year later a men came to my house to do a remodeled on a bathroom and we become friends and started dating and since then he picked up the broken pieces and has made me feel special and loved me like to other men has ever loved me. There is hope and god is real big❤️❤️❤️❤️

  10. I just left a six month relationship. When I suspected narcissism, I checked all the symptoms online. Then, I proceeded to set him up to see what would happen. Text book perfect. I was sooooo in love, but I dodged a bullet and got out in time. Now he is blocked on everything – best thing I ever did. Do NOT hesitate to block. If anyone is reading this and wondering if they will change, look at the 20+ years. Get out while you can.

  11. Your story truly inspires me. Just when I was starting to consider that it was me, this confirms exactly what I have believed- I’m in love with a Narcissistic man. It has been extremely hard for me to let him go because he seemed to be my soul mate. He came into my life, broke down my walls and has used every bit of everything I gave him to break me and distroy my reputation. He thrives off of revenge, has no remorse, is self entitled, a habitual liar, takes no responsibility for ANYTHING, and will gain anyones trust for the sake of using them. I get he has had a rough life, and has had terrible things happen to him. I feel so sorry for him because I see what he has the potential to be. The Christian in me says continue to love him and allow God to change him, because I honestly see progression in some areas (although it has come with tremendous pain). But the reality of me says if I stay I will completely loose myself with the point of no return. Somewhere deep inside of me, my faith in God and the powernof Jesus Christ, tells me that Naracissim cannbe healed! I truly believe that, but in the mean time get out, protect your heart and mind, and go through the proper stages of healing. Nothing is wrong with you, you just loved hard and gave your heart to the wrong person.

  12. Oh My,I had 2pause and take deep breaths while tears were just flowing down my face reading our story,it has been 3 long years since it happen 2me,while reading it took me back in time 2 a place where evil surrounded me.What the worst thing for me was when he told his evil lies.He turned my friends & families against me.His famous saying would be “How I burned my bridge with people” Knowing it was all his doings,that turned at the time, seemed like everyone against me. The saddest part 2my story is I still love this man that stole my Love,myPeace and my Joy and most of all my Will 2 Live.One time I scared him,in one of my worst anger and panic attacks,I was out for blood ! One or both of us were going 2die! I tried to run him down with my Explorer truck,then I parked on the incline of a hill with semi trucks speeding 60mph or more.I was out of my mind,he jumped in and saved my life,while I almost took his.,I wanted him 2Hurt and feel as much pain as I did.He wanted sex with every women he saw,It devastated me! He finally left me when he got a roommate pregnant.My NARCISSISTIC accused me of having an affair with his lovers boyfriend.I never once cheated on him,I Loved this man,who Was My Best Friend,My Love of My Life,My Soulmate.The peanut butter 2my jelly,The Night he abandoned me I tried 2pick up the pieces of my life.I made my mind think he was dead,it was the only way I could go on.It sure the Hell was`nt easy then and it is still hard for me,but as time goes on,I am finally starting 2heal

  13. This article speaks to me very deeply. I escaped a narcissist, left in a single day when he was gone with our 5 month old son and my two older daughters. I lost myself with him. He had been my very best friend, my confidant, the person that would always be there for me to a man that I took my love and crushed it, making sure that I knew I wasn’t good enough. After giving up my career, my life, moving my daughters, leaving my home and doing everything I could to make him happy, I suddenly wasn’t good enough for the man that I loved so much. Everything I did was wrong, from the way I brushed my hair to the plates of food that I brought to him each day. The groceries I bought were wrong, my children were horrible, I didn’t give birth to our son when he wanted to use his vacation time… and so much more. Even today, 8 years later, I still feel it. I feel the self-doubt, I wonder if I am good enough, or if I deserve love. I know better, but sometimes it lingers. I have to co parent with him and it is emotionally exhausting to me each time I see him. Thank you for sharing your pain…. I felt as if you writing my story, and felt it even stronger when I started to read the comments… thank you all for sharing.

  14. Thank you for this! I got out of the relationship after 10 years, 5 years later , i am still broken, still don’t trust men, Im College educated and he made me feel worthless, took me for everything i had , my house everything.. and almost choked me to death!. Im alive, but broken.

  15. Yeah. I was with a guy like that for 38 years and we had a son together and a house also. We had about $8000 left to pay on the mortgage. I was going to leave him after we paid the house off. He died before it was paid off, but I paid the rest off on my own. Now it belongs to me which I was the one who got my sister to co-sign for it. I did it for him but I don’t think he appreciated anything I did for him. I loved him very much but he treated me like shit. A few times we talked of marriage but that never happened. He treated his other girlfriends like this but I didn’t know about them until he died and I read about them in his papers he kept. He was a very intelligent man and a great musician. Now, I don’t know where to go, or what to do. All I do is cry. I’m lost. I have lots of friends but I just want to be alone. Is that bad? I was told I need to get out of the house but I just want to be alone. I used to like making jewelry and sewing but I don’t even feel like doing these interests. I watch a lot of Netflix and eat a lot. I just feel empty inside. I do have a part time job I go to.

  16. Last night he walked out on me. Like a tornado came into the house, took his stuff and left. I asked him if we can sit down to talk I need to know what is going on and all he said is he’s done with my sorry ass and I will regret losing him. Found myself Begging him not to and crying on the floor in front of his feet. All he did was push me away and walked away. I lost all dignity begging and crying like that. But I’ve decided he closed that door on me and I am closing this chapter in my life. It will not be easy but I have to do this for myself. I blocked all contact with him. I know he will just move on to his next victim whom he probably have been grooming and brain washing for the last couple of weeks. When one door closes another one opens.

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